ASK Eve
Hi Eve,
I have been looking online for information about swinging, etc. I am in a relationship and have been for over 2 years, our sex life is good.. we both have a high sex drive and little inhibition.
Prior to being involved in my current relationship, I had been involved in one threesome with 2 guys early in my sex life. Although it was a turn on, I have felt guilty about it all my life. I have also been with more men then I can count and have experienced a lot of guilt about this over the years as well. My current partner is really turned on by these stories, which I had never talked much about to anyone else.. I was called a “slut by my ex-husband of 17 years (I was faithful all of these years) because I told him (out of guilt) about the numbers of men I had been with.
My current partner knows a couple who are involved in the swinging scene… and we have “connected” with them a couple of times… although I drank so heavily and don’t remember any of it. I have realized that I also have a drinking problem.. I drink to hide behind my pain/guilt, etc. I have since gone to AA and have not had a drink in 2 months. But I am still curious about swinging, and my partner (although he wouldn’t pressure me) also would like to try.
My questions to you are: How do I know if I really want to… the idea really does excite me completely, but the guilt I have felt over the years really holds me back. I have this idea in the back of my head that only “strange” people do these things, and that they probably fool around on the side if they do…. I am being totally honest with you, I know my thoughts are not right, but they are there. I also am very VERY insecure and jealous… how do I get beyond that? I know he is willing to be in a threesome with only me and other men… but, I don’t think that is very fair to him.
Where can I read about real people and their experiences and thoughts on their sexuality… and get to a place that I believe that it is ok to do these things without guilt? if that is possible. I am also seeing a counselor and he supports whatever I truly want for myself… but part of the problem is knowing if I really do… or not???
Confused
Dear confused:
The first thing I want to know when people ask me if I think they’re ready (context swinging) is “ready for what exactly?”. Too many couples make the assumption that venturing into the world of swinging means throwing their keys into the “orgy” bowl and putting the pedal to the metal…0 to 60 in one fowl swoop. They take a renegade “Thelma and Louise” approach, driving recklessly along a desolate stretch of highway, and soon after their relationship takes a header into the canyon.
Unbeknownst to many, there is a scenic route with a lot of amazing, satisfying, fun and adventurous pit stops along the way. Slow down. Smell the roses. Take in the sights. In other words, enjoy the ride and don’t be in such a hurry to arrive at the “final destination”.
Start by printing off the Sugar, Spice and Sex Advice “swinger’s checklist” and comparing fantasies with your partner. Pick one or two of the adventures that scored five (5) for both of you and take them for a test drive. Assess (aka COMMUNICATE). Tweak and repeat. Taking this approach means you don’t have to be “ready” to jump into the deep end of swinging. You can take baby steps to get there and evaluate along the way. And when the time is right, not only will you know you’re ready, but you’ll also be far better equipped to consider and cope with any challenges you face along the way including issues of jealousy and insecurities.
As for whether only “strange” people do these things, according to the Great Canadian Sex Survey, over 30% of Canadians believe that it is ok to have sexual encounters with people other than their partner as long as they have consent. So, in theory, three out of every 10 people you know may actually be swingers, or swingers at heart. But alas, does that mean 30% of Canadians are “strange”? Perhaps. But that’s a story for another day.
And finally, if you want to learn about real people and their experiences on sexuality, and swinging, do a search for swingers in your local region. Join a swingers dating site/social networking community or even a swingers club. You may just be pleasantly surprised that many of the members are just like you and some of the more experienced members will be more than happy to share their experiences and offer a helping hand along the way.
If you’re considering ANY type of open relationship, or are already knee deep in one, Opening Up – A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino is a must read. The book gives clarity on the different styles of open relationships from partnered non-monogamy to swinging to polyamourous to mono/poly combinations and everything in between. 
.
